My cat gives me a boner
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
