i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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