Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
