it was like eating out sand paper
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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