I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
