DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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