I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
