I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
