Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
