she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
