I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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