I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
