remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
