My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
