I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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