im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
