Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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