my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
