he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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