So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
