two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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