Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
