cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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