I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
