Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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