dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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