TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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