I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
