I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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