my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize