I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh god it's open bar.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
