I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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