i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
