Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
