I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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