The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
