dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
