The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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