she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
