Don't make out with my wife yet
I CAN MOONWALK!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize