life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
