Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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