I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
