And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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