Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
