when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
