I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
