You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
