I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
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