Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize