I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
