my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
