ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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