i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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